Positive Parenting Solutions For The Special Needs Mom
I truly believe the vast majority of special needs Moms really want to rock this parent thing. When I say rock it, I mean knock it out of the park.
But parenting is HARD and there is no manual with easy to follow instructions!
Throw in being a parent of a child with special needs and it’s an entirely new level of hard!
I have three children. Max was born with Down Syndrome and later diagnosed with autism. My two younger children are what some would call typical.
All three of my children are very different. Their personalities, their strengths, and the areas where they could improve are all distinct.
Don’t they know it would make parenting so much easier if they were all alike and we could treat them exactly the same way?!?
Despite all three being very different, Hubby and I have found positive parenting with positive behavior reinforcement to be a great parenting tool for all three!
As your Mama Bear big sister I want to share with you what it is, how it works, and some ideas you can use in your day to day life to parent with it.
It’s important to keep in mind what works for one family may not work for all families. So read this blog and choose what will work for YOU!
Oh and feel free to share it with all of your friends who are currently in the trenches of parenting too!
What is positive parenting and positive behavior reinforcement?
Positive parenting and positive behavior reinforcement is basically using praise and rewards when a child does something good (such as picking up their toys) rather than criticism or punishment. It’s focusing on the positive or good.
The experts (people that study this stuff) tell us criticism and punishment tends to kill the kid’s spirit and lowers their self esteem (um...definitely don’t want to do that).
Why should parents use positive parenting and positive behavior reinforcement?
Our kids inherently want to please us so by praising them we are encouraging the desired behavior to be repeated.
Focusing on the positive also improves your child’s confidence and improves their self-esteem. Individuals who are confident with a healthy self-esteem tend to find success and joy in life.
Using positive behavior reinforcement strategies helps protect and improve our relationships with our children. Our bond with our children is one of our greatest gifts in life. If we are constantly criticizing our kids and focusing on what they did wrong that bond is going to weaken and the relationship can suffer.
Think about it. If you had a boss who was constantly pointing out what you did wrong and never seemed happy with your work would you work really hard for this boss? Would you go above and beyond?
Most of us would not.
Now, imagine if you had a boss who praised you when you did something right? A boss who said thank you and appeared to genuinely appreciate you and your efforts? Would you work really hard for this boss? Would you go above and beyond?
Most of us would.
Ok then, we all now know what positive parenting and positive behavior reinforcement is.
Let's explore ideas of how to use positive behavior reinforcement. This way you can start rocking it in your home TODAY!
Positive parenting solutions and positive behavior reinforcement ideas
Positive parenting and positive behavior reinforcement idea #1: Praise
Verbal praise is the easiest one to start using right away. There is a catch though.
NOT ALL PRAISE IS CREATED EQUAL.
That’s right. A general “good job” or “way to go” are not going to cut the mustard.
In fact, excessive general praise can be counterproductive. Aiy, aiy, aiy...we knew this parenting gig was hard right?
We need to be specific in our praise.
For example, if your child comes up to show you his newest piece of art take a look at it and rather than the generic “good job” which we may normally say try “Wow, I really like the colors you used in this picture!”
Keep in mind you don’t always have to say something.
High fives, fist bumps, clapping and cheering, and a thumbs up are forms of positive reinforcement as well and sometimes may be a better fit for the situation.
If you are entering a building and your child runs ahead of the elderly lady in front of you and holds the door for her, a simple catching of his or her eye and a thumbs up and smile would be great positive behavior reinforcement.
Positive parenting and positive behavior reinforcement idea #2: First...then
“First you take a bath, then we snuggle and read a book” or “First pick up your toys, then you may watch TV” are examples of using the first...then technique.
You tell your child what they need to do and follow it with what the reward will be once they do it. Some kids, especially our children with special needs may benefit from a visual support, such as a first…then card.
This is a first…then board we used for Max.
Positive parenting and positive behavior reinforcement idea #3: Reward board or token system
With a reward board your child receives stickers or checks for good behavior with a certain amount of them adding up to a reward.
You can tailor this to the age of your child as well as where they may be developmentally.
For Max, we created a “Wiggles” themed reward board that was laminated with three pieces of velcro on the front. On the back attached by velcro were three small laminated pictures (tokens) of the Wiggles. If Max did something good or complied with a request a token from the back was placed on the front. When all three were moved to the front he received his reward.
As he became older we revamped his reward board to increase the number of tokens needed to receive a reward. In the picture below you’ll see five tokens were needed before he received a reward.
Max’s Wiggles reward board
This is Max’s reward board. He loves The Wiggles! The 5 tokens are attached by velcro to the front of the reward board. When we are first starting out all of the tokens are placed on the back of the reward board.
The back of Max’s Wiggles reward board
This is the back of the reward board. As you can see Max would need to earn two more tokens in order to receive a reward.
Rewards were usually TV or I-Pad time which we always placed a time limit on or a favored snack like goldfish crackers.
Positive parenting and positive behavior reinforcement idea #4: Caught you being good jar
This is a fun one.
Here is how the Mathe family does it. We have one big mason jar sitting on top of our china cabinet. My husband and I will place a glass stone in it if we catch the kids doing something good.
3 examples of Caught You Being Good jars in different sizes.
A Caught You Being Good Jar can be anything!
We typically use canning jars and glass beads. You can use whatever feels right for your family. I would use a smaller jar for a more immediate reward if your children are younger.
Examples of things that would earn a Mathe child a stone are using their manners (such as saying please and thank you), being kind (sharing a toy with a sibling or helping a sibling out), picking up around the house (picking up their toys or putting away dishes), being good listeners (doing what we asked immediately without complaint).
We use glass stones to fill up our Caught You Being Good jar.
The great thing about this is they don’t earn a glass stone every time. It’s completely random so they never know when their good behavior may earn them one.
Once the mason jar is filled we do something super duper fun. We have done lots of different things. Some involve money and some do not.
A full Caught You Being Good jar means a reward!
We have gone to the movies, the park, the beach, the arcade, the ice cream stand, the creek, and a water park as rewards. We have also camped out in the yard, had a bonfire with s’mores, camped out in our living room, had a movie night with hot cocoa and popcorn, baked, and done lots of craft projects as rewards too.
You can truly do whatever is going to make your kids happy and excited to fill that jar up!
There you have it folks!
Parenting is so rewarding but SO HARD at the same time. We have found positive parenting with positive behavior reinforcement to be a helpful tool to help us rock this parenting thing and we wanted to share it with YOU.
Admittedly, some days we rock it better than others and so will you but that’s ok. That’s life.
Now get out there and rock it!
If you found this post helpful then be sure to check out…
How To Deal With Temper Tantrums: A Guide For The Special Needs Mom
6 Brain Differences In Your Child With Down Syndrome And How It Impacts Behavior
7 Common Behavior Issues In Children With Down Syndrome And How To Manage Them
15 Best Behavior Hacks For Your Child With Down Syndrome
Dandelion Tribe Takeaway: Positive parenting and positive behavior reinforcement is using praise and rewards when a child does something good rather than criticism and punishment. Examples of positive behavior reinforcement are praise, first...then, reward board or token system, and a caught you being good jar.
Mama Bear Share: What do you do in YOUR home to help manage behaviors?
