What To Do When People Use The R-Word

 Does the R-word bother you?  If you are a Mom of a child with special needs most of you know immediately which word I am referencing.  If you don’t happen to know the word I am referring to I am going to tell you and then from here on out will refer to it as the R-word. 

R-Word Definition

The R-word is a euphemism for retard. 

When used as a verb the word retard means to hinder or make something slow. For years in the medical field, mental retardation was a medical term for people with intellectual impairments. 

This word bothers me.  

It bothers me because it has gone from a medical term and diagnosis to a term used to degrade, attack, and marginalize one of our most vulnerable groups of people.  Those with disabilities. More specifically, my son.  

It evolved into a derogatory slur used as a synonym for stupid or idiot. It became a favored insult to use in school hallways and playgrounds. People  say things like “I’m such a retard” when they do something stupid. 

Don’t insult my son like that. 

This is how I feel about it and you may feel differently.  I have come across some Moms and Dads of kids with special needs who have told me the use of the word doesn’t bother them.  

Say what?!  

Why The R-Word Is Offensive

The R-word is a slur. It’s a derogatory term used to put down a group of people in our society that are already extremely marginalized. It sends a message that this group is stupid, dumb, less than. 

Using the R-word is the exact same thing as using ANY OTHER RACIAL SLUR towards a minority group of people. 

Yep, that’s right. THE. SAME. 

Yet, I still see it used relatively frequently, especially on social media. It may be the R- word or some word followed by -tard. Doesn’t matter how you dress it up, it's still offensive. And the thing is, while a few people may speak up, the majority of people do not. 

America, we need to take a good look at ourselves and confront our own ableism because I’m willing to go out on a limb here and say if in this scenario the R-word was swapped out for another racial slur directed at people of color then more people would be up in arms. 

People with intellectual disabilities are the most marginalized group because they are the least likely to be able to fight back and as a society we value this group the least. 

That’s right. I said it. 

Rosa’s Law: A Step To Eliminating The R-Word

In 2010 Rosa’s law was passed. Rosa’s law eliminated all reference to mental retardation in the U.S. federal law. The term was replaced with “mental disability” or “individual with an intellectual disability.”

The word mental retardation was also replaced in the medical community with intellectual disability and intellectual development disorder. 

A campaign called “Spread the Word to End the Word” advocating for the end of the use of the R-word in movies, tv shows, ads, and in everyday conversations. 

While there’s definitely been progress made towards educating people on why using the R-word is NOT acceptable it’s still used. If it doesn’t bother you then fine.  Honestly, sometimes I wish I fell into that camp of thought. 

I don’t.

I have had years of learning how to best deal with people when I hear this word being used.  I’m going to be honest.  It’s been a tough road.  I have had some really difficult situations where I have had to step up and it was awkward and uncomfortable.

I will never forget sitting at a lunch table talking with a supervising physician and a pharmaceutical rep.  BOTH of them used the R-word in a derogatory manner.  And yes, the doctor knew I had a son with Down Syndrome. I froze sitting there at the table, feeling insulted for my son, and wondering what the hell I was going to do about it.  

Here’s the thing.  You have to be true to yourself.  I have to look at myself in the mirror everyday and be satisfied with the person I see looking back.  I knew I couldn’t do that if I didn’t stand up for my son in this scenario. So I did.

I simply said, I have a son with an intellectual disability and I find your use of the R-word offensive.  They looked at me, apologized, and resumed their conversation.  

AND THEN THEY USED IT AGAIN.  

They both had tweens and teens at the time and I truly think it had just become part of their everyday vocabulary. Unfortunately, I have found the tween and early teens group use this word frequently. Nevertheless,  I had had enough.  I slammed my hand down on the table, startling everyone.  I looked at both of them and said in a very clear and forceful manner “Stop using that offensive word please.”  They did. 

That is just one of many situations in which I have had to address the R-word.  It’s not easy. It’s awkward, uncomfortable, and for me, emotionally charged. I hate it. I hate hearing that word. I hate the disappointment I feel when someone I like or even admire uses that word.  

It would be so much easier to ignore it.  If I ignored it though I would not be true to myself. I would not be able to look at my son and know in my heart that I’m truly his warrior.  And so, I muddle through these hard situations the best I can, upholding my values and advocating for my son. 

4 Things You Can Do When Someone Uses The R-Word

What To Do When Someone Uses The R-Word: Say something.

I’m confident enough that in most cases I’ll say something. I have a few different “go to” comments that I use depending on the situation. My goal is not to embarrass someone and make a big scene. My goal is to educate a person so hopefully they’ll stop using that word in such a hurtful manner.

Having an idea of what you’ll say when someone uses the R-word makes it more likely that you will speak up and say something. Speaking up is important. Below are a few phrases you can use and if you read on I’ll have a few more for you!

What to say when someone uses the R-word.

What To Do When Someone Uses The R-Word: The stink eye.  

Honestly, sometimes a look is worth a thousand words. I have found it quite effective to catch the offender's eye and give them the stink eye to express my displeasure.  

What To Do When Someone Uses The R-Word: Hand them a card.

Print out business size cards that explain why the R-word is offensive. This is a great option for people who do not like confrontation. So…the majority of us. Simply hand it to the person who said it and move on. 

If you become a part of the Mama Bear Crew there’s a pdf on the resource page you can download and use if you’d like. 

What To Do When Someone Uses The R-Word: Move on.

And sometimes I do ignore it if we are literally just walking by a group when I hear it.  There are times you have to pick and choose your battles.  Remember, you do run the risk of being arrested if you chase down a group of people and start confronting them. 

3 Scenarios When The R-Word Is Used And What To Do

Scenario #1: You don’t know the person and it’s a busy environment

Perhaps a gaggle of teens are standing by you in a movie theater or someone is sitting at a table next to you at a restaurant and you hear it. 

What do you do?

If it’s a group of people just walking by I usually will give the stink eye, hand them a card, or move on.

If it’s a situation where we are sitting next to them, such as a restaurant, I’ll say something if Max is with me because I don’t want him hearing that. Otherwise I resort to the stink eye (very pointedly so they get the idea) or hand them a card.

Scenario #2: An acquaintance, co-worker, friend, or family member uses it in a more intimate environment

In this situation I find it best to be straight up.  Simply say I have a child with a disability and I find that word offensive.  Please do not use it again in my presence.  Direct and simple.  

Depending on the situation, sometimes I will expound on why I feel the way I do. 

I say I have a child with a disability and every time that word is used in a derogatory manner implying something or someone is stupid you’re telling me, my child, and the world around him that he is less than because his brain doesn’t work like ours.  It’s not his fault God or the Universe or whatever you believe in gave him that brain. He uses it to the best of his ability every day.  Please think before you use that word again in such a way.  

The large majority of people are going to respect this.  They may apologize.  They may be embarrassed. They may try to explain that they are a good person and have no problems with people with intellectual disabilities. Often they are, they just never stopped to think about how that word hurts others.

Often they will go on to talk about their positive experience with their cousin’s daughter’s friend who was born with Down Syndrome.  Smile and be kind, even if you are rolling your eyes on the inside.  

It is very likely they will think twice before using the R-word again. That’s success.  

Here are a few more ideas on how to address it…

• Don’t you know that word is offensive? I know you’re a good person so you should find a different word to use. 

• I’ve always thought of you as an educated person. I’m surprised you would use that word in that manner.  

• I know you’re a good person and didn’t mean to offend anyone but that word is offensive. When you know better you can do better. Please do better. 

• That word is so outdated. You need to remove it from your vocabulary. 

• Use a different word please.

• That word is hurtful to people with intellectual disabilities even when you use it jokingly. I know you didn’t mean to offend or hurt anyone but when you use that word you are. 

Scenario #3: A person defends their use of the word and continues to use it in your presence on a regular basis. 

Ah...these people.  They tend to be narcissists. They cite freedom of speech. They call you overly sensitive. They don’t understand why it bothers you so much.  It’s just a word they say. 

These are not YOUR people.

If they absolutely have to be in your life, limit your and your child’s exposure to them.  They are not worthy of you or your child.  They don’t respect you or your child. They are not worth your time.  

When you do have to be around them and they use the R-word, continue to call them out. 

Keep the social pressure on, but don’t let yourself get emotionally banged up over this type of person.  If they are family by blood remember family doesn’t necessarily have to be blood related and create a new family. 

A family that respects you and your child. 

I know thinking about situations where people may use the R-word is upsetting. But by thinking about how you might respond  when you hear the R-word helps you address it in a manner you are proud of when it actually happens.  

If we continue to call people out when they use this word in a derogatory manner we are sending a message that it is not ok.  It’s not ok to attack a group of people that are one of THE MOST vulnerable groups in our society.  

Mama Bears UNITE!

Dandelion Tribe Takeaway: If the R-word bothers you decide how you are going to address it in different situations.  That way you are prepared and won’t freeze when it’s used and later beat yourself up about not being your usual rocking Mama Bear self.

Mama Bear Share: How have you responded when people have used the R-word around you?