How To Deal With Temper Tantrums: A Guide For The Special Needs Mom
A common question being asked in the Mommy circles I belong to is how do you manage temper tantrums?
How do you manage temper tantrums in a 3 year old?
How do you manage temper tantrums in a 5 year old?
How do you manage temper tantrums when they’re getting worse or in an adult?
I have three children.
All three of those children have unique and VERY different personalities presenting three entirely different parenting challenges. And as you know, one of my children happens to have been born with Down Syndrome and has autism.
I am well acquainted with temper tantrums
I have weathered temper tantrums at the library (carried by youngest out of the library kicking and screaming that day), the grocery store, department stores, family gatherings, picnics, the beach, play dates, parks…you get the idea.
I’ve dealt with a lot of temper tantrums in numerous places and at various ages.
Temper tantrums happen.
They do. It’s part of being a parent and a kid.
Yes, there are measures you can take to try and avoid them, but at some point your sweet little baby is going to have a not so sweet temper tantrum.
Temper tantrums are challenging. Having a child with special needs can add an extra layer of unique challenges.
Don’t freak out Mama Bear.
You’ve got this.
As I was writing this post I flashed back to Max’s toddler years when we were right in the thick of toddler temper tantrums. I remember being exhausted. One day in particular stands out.
I was just getting over the stomach flu, hubby was at work, the house was a disaster, and Max’s tantrums had been more frequent.
I don’t remember the events leading up to the epic tantrum, but I do remember having to hold my baby so he didn’t hurt himself or destroy the house. He was facing away from me, i was holding on for dear ilfe, tears were streaming down my face, and I was just done.
I couldn’t believe this was my life, I didn’t want this to be my life, and I wanted to run away from my life.
It was one of my lowest points in parenthood.
In that moment I was absolutely convinced I was failing at everything and was ready to throw in the proverbial towel. Behavior management was HARD. Being consistent and firm was EXHAUSTING.
Why was I doing this?
It would be so much easier to let some behaviors slide.
It was like the cartoon scene where there’s a little devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. I so desperately wanted to let the little devil win.
I mean Max has Down Syndrome and autism my mind reasoned. It would be completely reasonable to just ignore some things…right?
And then I remember our vision for Max.
I squeezed my eyes shut and focused hard on our vision statement, that life we so desperately wanted for him. We wanted him to live his best life and us along with him and just like that the little devil disappeared in a puff of smoke.
I had my why and it made all the difference. I put my big girl panties on and dealt with the temper tantrum like a boss.
If your curious about creating a vision statement and life map for your child with special needs check out these two blog posts.
5 Reasons You Need To Create A Vision Statement For Your Child With Special Needs
Creating A Life Map For Your Child With Special Needs
Mama Bear, I am going to share with you my guide to handling temper tantrums.
When Max was little I worked with various behavior specialists and soaked up all their knowledge as much as I could. They were a treasure trove of information and each did things a little differently.
Taking all their knowledge along with our own personal experiences I’ve found some techniques to help us handle tantrums.
Before we really dive into it though let’s clarify the difference between a temper tantrum and a meltdown for someone with autism because it’s an important one.
Temper Tantrum Versus Meltdown
A temper tantrum usually stems from frustration or anger. A child may have a temper tantrum because they are not getting what they want (the candy bar in the check out aisle), not being able to do something they want to do (run around in a parking lot), or having to do something they don’t want to (brushing their teeth).
Temper tantrums tend to occur in younger kids and typically improve as a child ages. Tantrums also need an audience and when the audience is taken away they will improve or resolve.
Meltdowns on the other hand occur because the child becomes overwhelmed or overloaded. The overload can be sensory, emotional, or information overload. This external stimulus overwhelm leads to an emotional eruption.
So, now we know the difference between a temper tantrum and a meltdown and why they occur. A child with autism can have a temper tantrum. You as a parent know your child best and can best decide if they’re having a tantrum or a meltdown.
Some of these techniques can be used to help with both.
Now Mama Bear, like with anything on the Twenty One Dandelions blog you should decide what will work for you and your family, what won’t, and implement accordingly.
Our children, our families, our values, and our lives are all unique so there is no one size fits all.
Alright, let’s get into it.
How To Deal With Temper Tantrums: Examine The When
Pay attention to when the temper tantrum takes place.
You may even want to keep a tantrum diary . Yep, you read that right Mama Bear.
A tantrum diary will allow you to look for trends. If you decide to keep a tantrum diary try to keep track of the following…
What time of day did the tantrum occur?
What did your child eat and drink that day and when in relation to the tantrum?
How did your child sleep the night before and for how long?
Did they take a nap? If yes, how long did they nap?
Where did the tantrum take place?
What were the events immediately leading up to the tantrum?
Photo Courtesy of Andre Hunter
How To Deal With Temper Tantrums: Discover The Why
Why is my child having a temper tantrum?
THIS is the best question you can ask yourself. If you can discover the why you have a much better chance of being able to help your child.
Is anxiety, frustration, or fear the driving reason?
Is your child anxious because they have to share a toy and they’re afraid the friend will not give it back?
Are they frustrated because their babysitter cannot understand what they are saying?
Are they scared because they’re trying a new activity?
Is your child hungry, tired, thirsty, overexerted, or experiencing sensory overload?
Discovering the why can also help adults put the behavior in perspective.
Rather than viewing the child as “bad” or “naughty” or purposely giving you a hard time you understand that they are having a hard time.
It doesn’t mean you given them a free pass, but it helps you manage the situation with more compassion and grace.
How To Deal With Temper Tantrums: Implement The How
This Mama Bear is the hardest part in my opinion.
First things first.
Whenever possible set your child up for success.
Not failure.
Meaning, go back to the when and why. If you know your child tends to get “hangry” around 3pm make sure you have a healthy snack with you if you need to go out around that time or make snack time part of your daily routine around 2:30pm.
If you determine it may be a sensory overload issue and you’re going into an environment that may be super noisy to your child grab noise cancelling headphone or a sensory bag.
Sometimes, even though you have made sure your child is well fed, hydrated, rested, and taken every precaution you can the alarm bells start sounding in your head.
You can see the warning signs your child is heading for a temper tantrum.
What to do?
How To Deal With Temper Tantrums: Distract Or Redirect
Distract your child with something they enjoy that would be appropriate.
For example, “Max I have some bubbles in the cupboard. Would you like to go outside and blow bubbles?”
Or redirect their attention.
For example, your child with special needs and their sibling are playing with blocks on the floor and it’s starting to degenerate quickly. You know a tantrum is minutes or event seconds away. Get down on the floor with them and say “Hey guys, let’s see how big of a tower we can build together!”
How To Deal With Temper Tantrums: Offer An Alternative
There are times your child is just not going to be able to do something or play with something due to safety or other reasons. Offer an alternative.
For example, “Max we can’t jump on the couch, but we can turn some music on and dance!” or “Max, you can’t draw with permanent marker, but you can draw with these washable markers.”
How To Deal With Temper Tantrums: Comfort
There are times we all just need a hug.
When your child is starting to exhibit warning signs of a temper tantrum they may simply need some comfort to get things back under control.
You know your child best so it may simply be a comforting hand on their back, holding their hand, or a big hug.
Alright, so even though the alarm bells were ringing in your head and you tried your best to de-escalate the situation with the techniques above it was not successful.
Your child is having a full blown temper tantrum.
Now what?
Keep calm Mama Bear and do your thing.
Say what?!
Yes, Mama Bear. You’ve got this.
Here’s the thing…you have to stay calm. Think cool as a cucumber. I go into what I call the “Mama Bear Zone” where I take a couple deep breaths, purposely relax my shoulders, and imagine myself relaxing on the beach…all while handling the tantrum.
It takes some practice but if I can do it so can you!
How To Deal With Temper Tantrums: Take Control Of The Scene
Make sure things are as safe as they can be.
If you can move your child to an environment you can better control then do so. This was the reason I walked out of the library carrying a kicking and screaming toddler to have his temper tantrum in the car.
Yes Mama Bear, you have to be willing to leave a full cart of groceries at the grocery store if need be.
If your child is throwing stuff quickly remove objects in their vicinity. If they are throwing themselves around try to move away objects or furniture they may hurt themselves on. If your child is physically going after another person try a gentle restraint such as wrapping your arms around them.
How To Deal With Temper Tantrums: Decrease Stimulation
If it’s a busy environment make things less busy.
As I mentioned before, if you can and if needed move your child to a quieter environment you can better control. If you’re at home and don’t need to move then decrease stimulation in your home environment by turning off the TV, the I-pad, the phone, or dimming the lights if need be.
How To Deal With Temper Tantrums: Use Simple Language. Be Concise. Use A Calm Voice.
Now is NOT the time to lecture your child on appropriate playground etiquette or the benefits of sharing a toy. It is also not the time to demand they stop crying or screaming.
Validate their feelings, but not their actions.
Say something like “ I understand you may be feeling some big emotions right now such as being really mad. It’s ok to feel mad, but it’s not ok to throw your toys.”
Do not yell. Use a calm voice to talk to your child.
How To Deal With Temper Tantrums: Ride It Out
There are times you just have to let your kid cry, kick, and scream until they’re done.
Wait it out in a calm manner Mama Bear. As long at they are safe, no need to try and get them to stop. Watch silently until you feel they are ready to talk about it.
How To Deal With Temper Tantrums: Name It To Tame It And Discuss Alternative Behavior
When your child is ready and keeping in mind where they are developmentally talk about what just happened.
Were they feeling frustrated and that’s what led to the tantrum?
Talk about negative emotions that may have triggered a temper tantrum. It’s normal and ok to feel negative emotions, but it’s not ok to throw yourself on the ground and start kicking and screaming.
Talk about alternatives and go ahead and practice them with your child.
Alternatives really depend on what you feel is appropriate for your child and right for your family. In our family our options are to take 5 deep breaths, jump 5 times, or walk away.
I do like to teach a physical alternative for when a child is feeling a really negative emotion. Often our “fight or flight” reflex is engaged in these situations and it gives them a physical outlet for that surge in hormones.
How To Deal With Temper Tantrums: Acknowledge Their Right For Refusal
I know this is a hard pill to swallow.
Ultimately though, you can only control you. Your thoughts, your behaviors, your actions. Some kiddos pick up on this right away, thus the “you can’t make me” comeback.
Swallow that pill Mama Bear and respond with something like this…
“You’re right. I can’t make you clean up your toys. Unfortunately, we can’t go outside and play until you do.”
The end.
No need to justify and do NOT give in and let them go outside until the toys are picked up.
Your child has to know you mean what you say. So always keep this in mind with discipline.
I’ve created this handy dandy quick reference for how to deal with temper tantrums just for you!
There you have it Mama Bears!
My guide to dealing with temper tantrums. I know it’s tough and some days are better than others. Try to follow my guide, use the temper tantrum diary, and hopefully soon you’ll notice a difference.
If you found this post helpful be sure to check out…
Positive Parenting Solutions For The Special Needs Mom
6 Brain Differences In Your Child With Down Syndrome And How It Impacts Behavior
7 Common Behavior Issues In Children With Down Syndrome And Tips To Manage Them
15 Best Behavior Hacks For Your Child With Down Syndrome
Now go rock this special life!
Dandelion Tribe Takeaway: Temper tantrums happen. Manage them like a pro following these three steps. #1 Examine the when. When do they occur? Look for common themes. #2 Discover the why. Why is your child having a temper tantrum? #3 Implement the how. Use techniques to manage the tantrum including setting your child up for success to avoid them in the first place.
Mama Bear Share: What are some of your tips and tricks to managing temper tantrums?
