Making Friends And Maintaining Friendships For The Special Needs Mom
I’ve never been one to make friends easily. Growing up I was shy and awkward. As I grew those things improved but making friends and maintaining friendships has never been easy.
Hey Mama Bears, full disclosure here. There are affiliate links in this post so if you click on the link and buy the product I will earn a small commission. Now that we’re clear on that let’s get back to rocking life with special needs!
Throughout the years I’ve had lots of acquaintances but very few BFFs. Once I became a special needs Mom there were some things that became easier and some things that became harder when it came to making friends and maintaining friendships I already had.
How Becoming A Special Needs Mom Changes How You Make Friends
I found it easier to make friends with other Moms of kids with special needs. I desperately wanted what was best for Max and as a new Mama Bear of a child with special needs I felt like a fish being told to learn how to climb a tree.
I was searching for anyone who understood what I was going through and could perhaps give some advice. Out of necessity I overcame any shyness.
If I saw a fellow Mama Bear in the store I would do a U-turn with my cart and hunt her down to introduce myself. I found it worked both ways too.
Other Mama Bears would tap me on the shoulder in line at the pharmacy and I’d know all about their child with special needs including their shoe size by the time it was my turn to pick up a script.
Fellow Mama Bears understood things about my life others couldn’t and as a new Mama Bear with a young child this was huge. I didn’t feel like I had to sugar coat things. I could be real and raw and they'd look me in the eye and say “Me too.”
Sometimes we would brainstorm next steps and potential solutions to whatever we were facing and other times we would simply just sit together in support.
When Max was young I found it harder to make friends with Moms who didn’t have a child with special needs.
Quite honestly, it was awkward.
When they’d find out Max had special needs often they wouldn’t know how to respond.
Some would say “I’m sorry.” Some would become obviously uncomfortable and quickly end the conversation. Some would say nothing.
On top of the initial awkwardness there were also the obvious differences between Max and his peers without disabilities.
His typical peers were toddling around and Max wasn’t. He did this modified crawl. His peers were saying words and Max wasn’t. He would say things like “babababa” and “dadadada.”
I tried to not notice the differences. Honestly, I did.
Even so, my newly minted Mama Bear heart was easily bruised by these interactions.
In our early years of special needs parenting I was too deep in the grief of his diagnosis and my walls were up. I wasn’t in a space where I could develop a close friendship with another Mom who wasn’t a Mama Bear too.
And that’s ok.
Everyone is different. Some new Mama Bears will find this rings true and some won’t.
As I’ve grown into my role as a Mama Bear and have dealt with the grief that comes with a diagnosis it’s easier to develop friendships with others who don’t have a child with special needs.
These friendships are just as special and just as loved.
Why Having Friendships As A Special Needs Mom Is Important
We’re social beings. Some of us are more social than others. Some of us can get by with one or two friendships and others need more. If we’re honest with ourselves though, we all have a desire to be seen, to be heard, and to matter to someone. We strongly desire connection.
And loneliness can kill.
Seriously.
A study done by Brigham Young University found weak social connections can shorten a person’s life by 15 years.
FIFTEEN YEARS Mama Bears!
I don’t know about you, but as a Mama Bear I NEED to live as long as I can for my child with special needs.
Aside from possibly shortening your life, having friends and social connections enriches your life. Friends make us happier, more resilient, and give us a sense of belonging. Life is more interesting with friends.
Friends help support us when life gets tough and let’s face it, when you’re a Mama Bear things can get tough! Friends help us see things from different perspectives and give us new ideas. Friends help rejuvenate us. After a good laugh fest with friends I find I can deal with tough Max things a whole lot better!
Life is better with friends Mama Bears!
Why It’s Hard For Moms Of Kids With Disabilities To Make Friends And Keep Friendships
We’re social beings and crave connection. We know there are many benefits to having friends. So why are so many Moms of children with special needs lonely?
So many of us ARE lonely.
It breaks my heart when I see post after post from fellow Mama Bears who are tired from fighting the world for their child with special needs, feel alone, and are simply burnt out.
There are several barriers Mama Bears have to face in order to make friends and maintain friendships that others may not.
Barrier To Friendship For Special Needs Moms #1: Our Schedules
Oh my word, we’re busy.
I have a calendar, a phone with reminders, a weekly schedule, and a weekly To Do list to keep track of it all. Some days I think it’s still not enough.
Our children with special needs tend to have more medical appointments and procedures than children who do not have special needs. Then there’s the therapy appointments and meetings with the school.
When Max was in Early Intervention he would see a physical therapist, occupational therapist, speech therapist, and a behavior therapist every week. Throughout the years we’ve also sprinkled in music therapy, adaptive gymnastics, adaptive dance class, adaptive soccer, adaptive basketball, and adaptive baseball.
We’re overbooked and trying to find an hour to go hang out with friends who also have similar schedules feels impossible.
Barrier To Friendship For Special Needs Moms #2: Our Child With Special Needs Development Versus Their Peers
Max is a teen now and still rocks out to The Wiggles.
For those of you who have no idea who The Wiggles are, they are an Australian children’s music group. They have the privilege of being the first concert Max ever went to.
Anyway, I don’t know any other teen who does not have a disability who is a fanboy of The Wiggles.
Now Max also enjoys superhero movies (big fan of Captain America and the Avengers) as well as WWE wrestling which many teens who do not have special needs can get behind.
Still, there’s a big gap between where Max is at and where his peers are.
As a Mama Bear it can make it a bit harder to make new friends or maintain friendships. I’m not saying it’s impossible. We definitely try to meet up with friends at things that everyone can enjoy such as high school sporting events.
It just makes things a bit trickier.
You have to get creative at times and when you’re already an overscheduled and exhausted Mama Bear sometimes the ability to get creative feels like a mountain you just don’t want to climb.
Barrier To Friendship For Special Needs Moms #3: Super Mom Mentality
I’m so guilty of this.
The Super Mom mentality is such a weakness for me and always has been. I want to be a great Mom, the best wife ever, have a spotless home, slay it at work, advocate like a fierce Mama Bear for those with disabilities, have a thriving blog, be fit, eat healthy, be a PTO superstar, and one of those soccer Moms who shows up to every game looking super cute with healthy snacks for all the players.
It’s NOT possible to do all of that without any help.
It just isn’t.
Logically, I DO know this but then there’s the illogical part of me that’s like “Why not?”
I end up overscheduling myself and trying to do it all. This crowds my schedule and doesn’t leave much time for friendships and then when a friend does recognize I’m drowning and tries to help out I tell her “Oh that’s OK I’ve got it.”
It makes zero sense.
If my friend says she can take Anna to soccer practice so I don’t have to, I need to say “Thank you. I would really appreciate that.”
If another friend offers to come over and help me paint my bathroom I need to say “Come on over, we’ll drink wine after.”
The Super Mom mentality prevents us from accepting help from our friends who love us and want to help us. It also prevents us from nurturing friendships we already have as well as making new friends.
I know it’s hard Mama Bears but put your capes away every now and then.
Barrier To Friendship For Special Needs Moms #4: Hiding Our Mess
Often we’re scared to share our mess with friends.
Whether it’s the pile of clothes on the couch that need to be folded, the fact we lounge around in paint stained sweatpants with holes in them when home, or our emotional mess over dysfunctional family dynamics there’s a part of us that’s scared if we show our friends they’ll run away screaming.
Not true.
The truth is most people don’t want to be friends with someone that’s perfect.
Perfection is boring. If our friends don’t see our mess then we never create those deep connections. It’s all just surface level stuff. That’s not soul nourishing.
Recently, I’ve been making an effort to not rush around shoving stuff into cupboards when I know friends are stopping over.
Who cares if they see that my kitchen island is usually covered in all kinds of stuff and on any given day my dining room table too.
I also don’t rush to change if I’m in my ratty old college T-shirt and sweatpants with my hair in a bun on top of my head.
As of yet none of them have walked into my house or seen what I was wearing and declared our friendship over.
And if they did? Well, they aren’t someone I would want in my life anyway if they couldn’t be friends with me because of the state of my kitchen island or choice of loungewear in my own home.
As Mama Bears we may be tempted to sweep the “mess” of being a special needs Mom under the rug too. It’s so tempting especially if your friend doesn’t have a child with special needs. Don’t do that.
Let them see the messy wonderful of being a Mom of a child with special needs.
Let them support you when you need it and be sure to return the favor when you can.
I know it’s vulnerable and scary but it could also be wonderful.
And if they can’t handle seeing that part of your mess, well as I said before, you’re better off without them in your life.
Barrier To Friendship For Special Needs Moms #5: Thinking Friendships Are Not A Necessity
As a Mom of a child with special needs we have A LOT on our plate.
So much in fact that we often neglect ourselves. We put everyone else’s needs ahead of our own including our own need for friendships and the soul nourishing connection that comes with it.
Big mistake.
Having friends helps prevent caregiver burnout. Feeling connected and seen helps us be a better Mom. There are so many benefits to having friends that we need to start making them a priority.
Where To Make Friends For The Special Needs Mom
You can find a friend anywhere, but it will probably involve leaving your home.
I can hear some of you groaning. Yes, Mama Bear, you have to leave your cozy home and venture out.
The good news is there are lots of places to make friends. Here are a few ideas to get you started.
Join a gym
Take a fitness class such yoga, pilates, kickboxing
Join a book club
Take an art class, pottery class, or a class of any kind
Join a local theater group and help out with a local play
Join a Bible study
Visit your library and attend story time with your little one
Visit a local park or playground
Join a Mommy and Me class
Join a recreational sports league (soccer, softball, pickleball)
Volunteer at your child’s school
Join the PTA or PTO
Find a group for parents of children with disabilities such as The Arc and attend an event or meeting
How To Make Friends For The Special Needs Mom
Insecurity keeps us lonely.
In order to make friends we have to put ourselves out there. Join a class, volunteer, or go to one of the places I suggested above and then be brave.
Remember, you’re a fierce Mama Bear!
Initiate conversations. Make eye contact and smile. Introduce yourself. Ask them questions about themselves. It’ll be awkward at first but making friends IS awkward.
If this is too daunting for you at first then focus on friendships you already have but may have been neglecting.
Go ahead and nurture those by scheduling a monthly dinner date or weekly coffee date. Send a weekly text just letting them know you’re thinking about them. Join a class together. You get to learn something new or get a workout in and BONUS you’re doing it with one of your friends!
Myths About Friendships For The Special Needs Mom
Friendship Myth #1 Popularity = Connection
Popularity does not equal connection. If we’re not letting people in and have a lot of surface level friendships we can still feel lonely.
Friendship Myth #2: Friendships Just Happen
Friendships do NOT just happen.
We have to put ourselves out there and in the beginning they can be super awkward. We have to nurture our friendships whether it’s a brand new one or we’ve been friends since birth.
Nurturing friendships takes time and effort.
Yes, there’s an ebb and flow depending on where we are at in our lives and what we have going on but we can’t go completely MIA for years at a time and expect the friendship to still be strong and soul nurturing when we are ready to return to it.
Friendship Myth #3: Friendship Is Easy
Wrong.
Friendships are messy and hard.
They take work and we’re going to mess up at some point. It’s ok. We’re human. When you mess up, own it, apologize, move on, and do better.
Friendship also doesn’t mean sacrificing all your needs to make your friend happy or being available 24/7. I love what Jess Johnston says in the book she wrote with Amy Weatherly I’ll Be There (But I’ll Be Wearing Sweatpants)
“Being a good friend means being intentional about giving what you can.”
As a special needs Mom that quote spoke to me because here’s the thing…I’m a special needs Mom and my children come first.
As we all know we face challenges others Mom may not. A lot of our time is dedicated to our child with special needs. Often it’s difficult to find people that we trust or are willing to watch our child with special needs so we can go out with our friends.
We’re running from doctor appointment to therapy appointment to a meeting with the school and then coming home and helping our children do homework. Some of us have careers outside of being a Mom too.
I really enjoyed the book by the way. You may enjoy it too.
Here’s the thing, life is never going to be perfect.
There’s never going to be the “perfect” time for friends.
Sure there may be seasons where it’s easier and then seasons where it’s harder. When it’s harder that doesn’t mean you go MIA. That’s when you send them a text here and there to touch base and let them know you’re thinking of them or if finding a babysitter is hard you invite them over for coffee and let them see your home with its dusty baseboards (who has time to clean baseboards?!) and smudged windows.
Give what you can and make an effort because friends are worth it. Not to mention I really don’t want to die years earlier than I need to because I didn’t have friends!
So there you have it Mama Bears! If you enjoyed this post check out…
Grieving A Diagnosis Of Down Syndrome: Helpful Tips For Parents
5 Journaling Tips, Ideas, And Reasons To Journal For The Special Needs Mom
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If you have a bestie in your life and they have an upcoming birthday or other special occasion check out these fun gift ideas!
I hope this post helps you rock this special life.
Dandelion Tribe Takeaway: Loneliness can impact your health. As special needs Moms we face some barriers to developing friendships such as our schedules, our child’s development versus the development of their peers, super Mom mentality, hiding our mess, and thinking friendships are not a necessity.
Mama Bear Share: Tell me about your friendship circle.
