Special Needs Parenting Using Your Child’s Love Language
Parenting is hard and as a parent of a child with special needs we face challenges others don’t. We love our children but have you ever asked yourself if your child feels your love? As special needs parents we need to be on top of our parenting game and if we’re not speaking our children’s love language they may not feel connected to us which can have a big impact on behaviors.
Hey Mama Bears, full disclosure here. There are affiliate links in this post so if you click on the link and buy the product I will earn a small commission. Now that we’re clear on that let’s get back to rocking life with special needs!
I truly believe in order to parent well there needs to be a strong foundation of love coupled with these words: kind and firm.
We want to parent from a place of love and kindness but with firm boundaries and well defined expectations. When those expectations are not met or those boundaries are crossed we need to respond immediately to be most effective.
My son, Max, was born with Down Syndrome and later diagnosed with autism. I’ve read a ton of parenting books and worked with several behavior therapists throughout the years. I’ve learned a lot and have shared what I’ve learned and what has worked for us on this blog. If you’re struggling with your child’s behaviors then you’ll want to check out these posts…
Why And How To Use A Reward Board With Your Child With Down Syndrome
6 Brain Differences In Your Child With Down Syndrome And How It Impacts Behavior
7 Common Behavior Issues In Children With Down Syndrome And Tips To Manage Them
15 Behavior Hacks For Your Child With Down Syndrome
The most important thing I’ve learned about parenting and how to parent well is that our children need to feel loved. If a child feels love and connection with a parent it’s much easier to manage behaviors.
Special Needs Parenting Using Love
I read the book The 5 Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell several years ago and it just confirmed what I had already intuited.
Parenting with love is powerful.
I definitely recommend you buy or borrow this book from your local library. It goes into so much more detail than this blog post will and is a good book to add to your parenting library.
Now, I know every Mama Bear out there loves her child but Chapman and Campbell tell us that every child (actually every person) has a primary language of love which is a way in which he/she understands love best.
When you use your child’s love language you fill their emotional tank and when a child’s emotional tank is filled with love it’s much easier to discipline and train them to become adults which is our ultimate parental goal.
Our children need to know we love them unconditionally.
Conditional love is based on performance. It is associated with training techniques that offer rewards and privileges to kids who perform in desired ways.
I think this is where it can get tricky for us special needs parents because we use rewards boards, caught you being good jars, and other behavior strategies in our home where we are rewarding desired behaviors. I have found these to be extremely effective and experts, such as Dr. David Stein, who has a vast amount of experience working with children with Down Syndrome recommends using strategies such as reward boards.
Unconditional love doesn’t mean we love all behavior but it does mean we give and show love to our children all the time…even when their behavior stinks.
It is necessary to train and discipline our children with Down Syndrome and other special needs utilizing strategies such as reward boards but only after their love tanks are full.
Once we figure out our child’s love language we can use that knowledge to fill their love tank on a regular basis. Now, don’t think you can only show your love to your child using their primary love language because that’s not the case.
Authors Chapman and Campbell share with us that while we definitely want to use our child’s primary love language on a regular basis, if we know what it is it’s still important to show love using all of the love languages. This will help our children learn how to show and receive love.
The 5 Love Languages Of Children
In the book we learn there are 5 love languages.
Physical Touch
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch: The 5 Love Languages Of Children
Physical touch is the easiest love language to utilize throughout the day in my opinion. While hugs and kisses definitely fall under this category physical touch includes so much more. Ruffling your child’s hair, having them sit on your lap at night as you read a bedtime story, a playful punch on the shoulder, a gentle hand on their back, or a tickle fight will all fill up your child’s love tank.
Ideas To Try If Your Child’s Love Language Is Physical Touch
Every night I give my kid’s a hug and kiss good night. Even as my children have become older I continue to do this.
Have your child sit on your lap as you read a bedtime story.
Brush your child’s hair after their bath.
Have a tickle fight but make sure it does not become stressful to your child.
Sing The Eentsy Weentsy Spider nursery rhyme with your child and include the hand motions. When you’re singing about The Eentsy Weentsy spider going up the waterspout use your fingers to crawl up your child’s arm.
Snuggle on the couch when watching TV.
Yell “family hug” and everyone comes together for a group hug.
As my children have become older and are involved with sports I will rub their sore muscles such as their feet, calves, or shoulders.
Give high fives when they’ve completed a task or something good happens.
Ruffle their hair or rub their back especially if they’re talking about something hard that happened or are upset.
After a sports game, music lesson etc celebrate by putting your arm around their shoulder, giving them a high five or fist bump, or a pat on the back.
If you’ve had to discipline your child, take the time to give them a hug and tell them you love them a little while after.
Words Of Affirmation: The 5 Love Languages Of Children
Words are powerful and words of love, encouragement, and positive guidance are nurturing. Campbell and Chapman write that some children feel their greatest sense of love in expressions that affirm them and their love language is words of affirmation.
When you use words of affirmation you want to be sincere and use a gentle and loving tone. When you’re using words of encouragement you want to be as specific as you can be. For example, if your child puts their coat away after school rather than saying “Great job!” you could say “Thank you for putting your coat away. That was a really responsible thing to do and it helps keep everything organized.”
Ideas To Try If Your Child’s Love Language Is Words Of Affirmation
Every night when tucking your child into bed tell them you love them and one good thing they did or positive trait that they have.
Put a post it note in their lunch box or on their nightstand with encouraging words.
Send a positive text message to them during the day.
Use a Caught You Being Good Jar but rather than using a marble write down on a small piece of paper what your child did that was good and put it in the jar.
Create a book on Shutterfly using pictures of your child and write about positive things they’ve done or positive traits they have.
At the dinner table ask your child to give you one highlight of their day and one thing that wasn’t so great. Really listen to what they say and affirm their emotions.
Quality Time: The 5 Love Languages Of Children
Quality time with your child is time spent with them when your attention is focused on them. No phone in your back pocket or in your hand. No TV program in the background that your eyes stray to.
Quality time is you and your child doing something together. You don’t have to leave the house or do something special. Quality time can literally be you making dinner together, coloring at the table, or shooting hoops in the driveway.
Ideas To Try If Your Child’s Love Language Is Quality Time
Sit down at a table with no electronics or other distractions and eat dinner together. If you can’t do this every night then aim for at least once a week.
Have a night time routine that includes one on one time with your child. It can include reading a book together, singing a special song, or praying before bed.
When going to a park or playground don’t sit on the bench and watch your child play or run around. Join them on the playground or run around with them.
Pack a picnic and eat outside. You could go to a local park or you could simply have a picnic in your backyard.
Do a craft or color in a coloring book together.
Take a nature walk. Stop to look at nature such as a pretty flower or butterfly. You could turn it into a nature scavenger hunt if you’re really ambitious.
Do household tasks together such as folding the laundry, doing the dishes, setting the table, preparing meals, dusting, etc.
Learn something new together. You could take a class together such as a dance class or you could simply learn a new hobby together at home. Buy a new cookbook and learn how to bake bread or find a YouTube hip hop video and learn a new way to dance.
Schedule a monthly “date time” and take your child out to a new place or to do something fun. Make it a priority and do NOT let life get in the way of that time.
Gifts: The 5 Love Languages Of Children
The giving and receiving of gifts can be a powerful expression of love but Chapman and Campbell tell us that for parents to truly speak the love language of gifts the child must feel that the parents genuinely care. So, you can’t just buy your child gifts and call it good. The other love languages must be given along with the gift.
Ideas To Try If Your Child’s Love Language Is Gifts
When you go to the grocery store buy a snack or treat that your child loves. When you come home tell them you bought it just for them.
Make your child’s favorite dinner or take them out to their favorite restaurant and tell them it’s your gift to them for being so awesome.
Carry snacks or candies that you can give to your child as a “treat” when you’re away from home.
If you’re away from your child for a vacation or business trip, bring back a small gift.
If you have a talent or hobby such as knitting or crafting, create a gift for your child and tell them you made it special just for them.
Bake your child’s favorite cookies, put them in a small tin, and give it to them as a present.
Keep a small collection of inexpensive gifts hidden and give your child a gift when you sense they need some extra love.
Acts Of Service: The 5 Love Languages Of Children
In the 5 Love Languages of Children, the authors Chapman and Campbell write as parents, we serve our children, but our primary motivation is not to please them but to do what’s best for them. What would most please your child in the moment (ie eating ice cream for lunch every day) is likely not the best way to express your love because it is not what’s best for your child. They write to supply that need for love, you should use your acts of service in conjunction with the other languages of love.
They also caution that if we give in to desires or demands for too many gifts and too much service, our kids can remain childishly self-centered and become selfish. However, we shouldn’t refrain from using the love languages of gifts and acts of service as they can be used in appropriate ways.
As special needs parents I think we need to tread that fine line of doing things for our children out of love while also encouraging independence. Learned helplessness does not serve our children and is very common. Now every child is unique and will have different strengths and weaknesses. This is where you as a Mama Bear and expert on your child comes into play. Assume competence whenever possible but also have an understanding of what is realistic for your child. At this time Max cannot make a 4 course meal but he can independently use an air fryer to cook chicken nuggets for himself.
Ideas To Try If Your Child’s Love Language Is Acts Of Service
Let your child pick what they would like for dinner and make it for them.
Help your child clean their room.
Occasionally help your child with their weekly chores.
Ask your child if there’s an activity they’d like to do such as painting a picture, playing a certain game, or baking cookies. Take the time to get it all set up for them and join them in the activity.
Help your child pick their outfit out for school the night before and prepare their backpack so it’s ready to go in the morning.
If your child likes to have their hair played with, their back scratched, or a foot/hand massage take the time to do that.
How Do I Figure Out My Child’s Primary Love Language?
In the 5 Love Languages of Children there’s a quiz your children can take at the end of the book to help you figure it out or you can find it here. You can also look for clues based on your child’s behavior.
How does your child express their love for you? Does your child tell you that you look pretty (words of affirmation) or are they always wanting to hold your hand or give you a hug (physical touch). What does your child request a lot? Are they always asking you to read a story to them or play a game (quality time) or do they ask you to buy them something when you’re away (gifts).
The authors write that if your child is younger than 5 you may not figure out their primary love language as it may not be clear. This may also be true for our children with special needs. Our children are often delayed. When Max was 8 years old his developmental age was more like 4 years old. In these cases the authors encourage us to use all 5 love languages as all 5 will converge to meet our child’s need for love and fill that love tank!
Of note, the authors do tell us that our child’s love language can change especially during adolescence.
Behavior Impact: Special Needs Parenting Using The 5 Love Languages
After reading The 5 Love Languages Of Children and giving my children the quiz I made an effort to parent using their top 2 primary love languages regularly as well as incorporating the other three. I noticed a change right away. The kids were happier and I felt my bond strengthen with each one of them.
And yes, there were improvements in behaviors. I am NOT saying all bad behaviors disappeared, but it felt like there were fewer undesired behaviors and they were easier to correct. I have found when your child’s love tank is full, they feel loved and they know you love them unconditionally it makes them more receptive to your parental guidance.
That’s a HUGE win!
It is definitely worth picking up The 5 Love Languages of Children and giving it a read. It is an easy read for all those busy Moms out there thinking they have zero time to read a book. Read the book, figure out your child’s love language, and start using what you’ve learned to rock this special life!
If you enjoyed this post then you may want to check out these…
Improving Behavior At Home Using Visual Supports With Your Child With Down Syndrome
How To Deal With Temper Tantrums: A Guide For The Special Needs Mom
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